10 Inevitabilities of Moving Abroad
Just a few months ago, I relocated to Porto, Portugal from the United States. Coincidentally, it wasn’t my first time moving to Portugal. My parents moved to Cascais, outside of Lisbon, when I was 2. Six years later, we returned to the States with my 5 year old brother in tow.
Apart from a short summer trip in 2021, it was the first time I had been back in the country as an adult. I had previously lived in Mexico City and assumed I would adjust easily—not like all those other expats who complained and were entitled, I would be different.
And of course, oh how wrong I was! There are many stressors that go into a move, no matter how nomadic or well traveled you are, but probably the most tolling is the psychological stress and burden of adjusting to a new place and culture, even if the culture doesn’t initially seem all that different.
Here are a few things I’ve noticed in my very short time here so far:
The Why of the Move is Incredibly Important, and Something You’ll Have to Remind Yourself of Often.
“Why am I here?” is something I’ve asked myself, often, and likely you will too. Did you move because you “felt” something kindred about a place you visited? That feeling won’t necessarily go away but it will be tested. If you have an intuition that you are supposed to be somewhere, the best way to discover if you’ll continue to have that feeling is to stay put. That can be hard when things don’t go how you expected them to (they never do) and the initial fantasy of a place wears off. Did you move for a job? For a relationship? When everything seems to be unraveling at the seams, come back to that decision. It must have been compelling enough at the time for you to uproot your life. If it isn’t anymore, can you find another reason that is?
Nobody Cares That You Moved to Another Country.
Put bluntly, nobody cares that you moved abroad. I’ll let you register that for a moment, now think about it again. Of course, your friends and family miss you and probably had mixed and emotional reactions to your decision. But once the people in your life accept that you are moving away, they likely will not think about it as much as you will. The people in your new city will hopefully welcome you, but you will not receive special treatment or kudos for doing something that immigrants do every day. This is something that I suspect may be particularly challenging for Americans who may expect a pat on the back for braving a new country. The truth is, it will not come. What you can do is take pride in yourself, and remind yourself that you are strong for taking such a leap of faith, because you are.
Life in the United States is Not as Bad as We Think It is.
It’s just not. From tax rates to efficiency to Target to cultural, artistic, and economic freedom, we are pretty spoiled. Our country is now going through the most turmoil it has in what seems like a long time, but in terms of accessibility for people to jobs, economic and social mobility, and education; most Americans are quite lucky. Moving to Europe has revealed two harsh truths about myself if nothing else: One, despite owning The Communist Manifesto, I am a shameless capitalist, and two, I am painfully American. Some prime examples: I expect things to happen quickly and efficiently, and when they don’t, I complain and get frustrated. I expect that if I pay enough money, I will get the service I want. I get frustrated when stores and restaurants aren’t open at the times I expect them to be because I expect to live in an economy reliant on workers putting in 12-16 hour days. The list goes on.
You Will Feel Like an Outsider for a Long Time.
This one I don’t have as much firsthand experience with, mostly I think because I haven’t been in Porto that long, but it is something I have heard consistently from friends who have moved to other countries. Depending on where you go, it can be really difficult to infiltrate the social bubbles and norms of a place. Portugal is a prime example of this, particularly in Porto, which is a small city and one where many people stay their entire lives. There is something ethereal in the air of this moody place, that I can’t quite put into words, but that also seems to inhabit its residents. In addition to the almost spiritual connection that people seem to have to each other and the city itself, there is everything else that can be intimidating or isolating for outsiders; most people have the same friends for decades, send their children to the same schools they attended, families are large and close-knit, and people in general are gravely loyal to one another. Porto is probably one of the friendliest cities I’ve ever lived in, but it’s also an easy place to find reminders of the ways in which you don’t quite belong: yet.
Adjusting, Like Grief, Comes in Waves.
The first two weeks are challenging and anxiety invoking, and then there is a blissful “honeymoon” phase. Around the 3 month mark, where I am now, comes another wave of doubt, insecurity, anxiety, and neurosis. Around the 6 month mark I’ve heard, a sort of acceptance comes. And this cycle seems to continue for a long time. Of course, every person is different and life circumstances may render your experience completely different, but generally I think adjusting to a foreign country pushes people out of their comfort zones and into new psychological spaces. If you are learning a new language for example, your thinking will change. Language dictates meaning, so likely your worldview may shift, your beliefs may shift, you may realize that things you thought you wanted you don’t want anymore. And in fact you are grieving something: your old life, familiarity, being close to family, waking up and hearing your native language spoken before another one. All of these things invoke sadness—why wouldn’t they?
You’ll Be Tempted to Blame Your Partner for all Your Problems—Don’t.
This one I may have learned the hard way. If you moved somewhere predominantly for a person, like I did, be forewarned: your relationship will change. Not necessarily permanently or for the worse, but it will be different, especially in the beginning. Because I had my own hang-ups about what it meant to move to a foreign country “for a relationship”, I found it particularly challenging to face how annoyingly reliant I had to be on my partner for everything. So, I blamed him for a lot of the feelings I was having because I didn’t understand why I was having them. When I wasn’t blaming him I was lost in neurosis and anxiety about all of it. I wasn’t able to see that a lot, if not most of the anxiety I was experiencing was because I was in a new place, living with someone I hadn’t before, learning a language, and uncertain about my future. Rather than allowing myself a grace period to feel all of these things I projected them, which is never good. So, if you’re upset remember: talk about your feelings but don’t blame your partner for all your problems. Especially in the beginning.
You Won’t Always Want to but You Should: Eat the Food, Drink the Wine, and Say Yes to Invitations.
Do I need to say more? If you don’t love going out, find people to do other things with. There are people everywhere who like doing the things you like to do.
Expect to Break Down in Public.
This one I would argue is true for most people, even the most calm and organized. In her first year in Porto, a friend of mine found herself in a screaming fight with a stranger at a dog park—bear in mind, she is one of the most non-confrontational people I know, and in over 10 years of friendship, we’ve never had an argument. Just the other day I had what could probably only be described as a meltdown, trying to buy a phone at the Portuguese equivalent of ATT. Stress, frustration, language barrier, things just not going your way, all of that can add up and when it does, don’t be surprised if you wind up crying to your Uber driver.
You Will Feel Discouraged but Oh Well, Learn the Language.
That’s it, learn the language. And similar to number 2, don’t expect people to construct a parade in your honor because you’re learning the language. In the beginning, people may compliment you for it, but eventually they will expect you to to speak their language. Many people speak English in Portugal, but language is one of the best ways to make stronger connections with people, and I think this may be especially true here. Do not expect to learn the language in a few months, or even a year, or by taking one lesson a week. It will take dedication, time, and effort that likely you will not be able to put in 100% or even 50% of the time. Finally, make sure you actually speak it with people, even if they don’t respond to you in the language you’re learning. Keep trying, and eventually you’ll start to have conversations, which is crucial for developing even the most basic language skills.
You’re Going to Second Guess Everything but Don’t Move or Make Any Drastic Life Changes Right Away.
You may be tempted to move again after a few months, depending on your circumstances. Or you may be tempted to quit your job, change careers, get the pixie haircut you’ve always wanted. Perhaps new haircut aside, those other decisions are likely stemming from the anxiety surrounding all the change that’s happening inside of you and around you. When everything is in flux, it can be tempting to try to gain control back by changing something else. But what will you feel about those aspects of your life in 3 months? Or 6? Before you make yet another major life decision, let yourself reap the rewards of the one you just made, even the scary, unexpected ones. It may take some time before you feel like you can actually enjoy the life you’ve created—don’t jump ship before you know what what kind of boat you’re on.
